Oreo Week, Day 5 (Final Day): Filled Cupcake Oreos

At First, It Was Mocked
Our last cookie for the week, Filled Cupcake Oreos, were met with cascades of derision upon their unveiling, with many questioning their reason for being.  "It's just chocolate and chocolate!" or "what's the difference from a regular Oreo?" were common comments.  More pointedly, taster Brian S. argued (and insists now) "it’s a poor choice of a flavor. You’re taking something that’s primarily about fluffy texture and putting it into something crunchy." Nonetheless, scorn soon yielded to curiosity and specific questions were posed and answered.  Details after our package shot.

A cookie pretending to be a packaged item that pretends to be a cupcake.

The Crunchy Bigotry of Low Expectations
Our tasters warmed to the concept of the cookie impersonating a cupcake when we considered that packaged cupcakes, classically Hostess brand, aren't all that good in the first place.  The failure of our cookie to achieve moistness is less egregious when you consider that cupcakes in cellophane are typically pretty dry already, which is the entire reason the whipped creme filling is typically pressed into service.

Essentially, nobody expected the cookie to taste like a cupcake or even have the "flavor of cupcake", whatever that might be.  The judgment would hinge on whether the flavor of the fondant-style icing and the creamy center was achieved.  After our package-shot detail, we'll twist off the top and go inside.

Helpful instructions on how to eat the cookie (not on what you should do in the privacy of your bedroom)

Differences: Subtle and Otherwise
Though it's the last thing you'd expect, the differences between the original Oreo cookie actually begin with the wafers.  The cupcake-flavored wafers are noticeably darker in color.  And if you close your eyes and really concentrate, the wafers have a warmer, smoother, richer, and more vanilla-inflected flavor.  A whisper of chocolate pudding flavor suggests itself.  The chocolate-colored part of the filling also suggests a combination of chocolate icing and chocolate pudding.  As with most of the specialty flavors we've tried this week, the filling is thicker than that of a standard Oreo, and that's where most of the flavor is.  And yes, the white center really does taste differently from the brown section; it isn't just food coloring.  The white center perfectly captures the slightly gross chemical, oil and faux-vanilla essence of a shelf-stable cupcake.  Have a look and seriously consider whether this appeals to you.

Rich and fudgy, the cupcake filling throws off the white balance, turning our classic creme filling into a blinding supernova.

Conclusions
Reactions overall were decidedly mixed.  J.N. writes "To me, the chocolate part of the filling was good, but didn’t seem much different from a chocolate flavored version of the regular filling. The white center of the filling did have a bit more creaminess than the usual filling, but I’m not sure it was enough to really grab me as a cupcake filling. Unlike the birthday cake flavor which successfully used the filling to make me think of cake frosting, this one just seemed pretty lackluster and given the crunchiness of the cookie compared to the moist cakey texture of a cupcake, I really didn’t get the sense of cupcake at all." 

I'm a little more charitably inclined: throughout this week, I've been impressed by Nabisco's savvy in never attempting a flavor trick that they didn't have a chance of pulling off.  By using extra creme filling to approximate the moisture content of more cake-like objects and boldly employing natural and, where necessary, artificial flavors, they have -- like Jelly Belly -- crammed unlike and diverse food flavors into the space of a sandwich cookie.  True enough, the Filled Cupcake entry doesn't give us the novelty of pumpkin spice, the nostalgia of the cinnamon bun, nor the child-like festiveness of birthday cake, it does still remind us of a favorite school lunchbox snack, and that still counts for something.  So while J.N. gives a 3.5 for taste and 1.5 for taste-target fidelity, my final score is somewhat higher.
Overall taste: 3.75 out of a possible 5
Fidelity to Taste Target: 3.5 out of a possible 5

Oreo Week, Day 4: Birthday Cake Oreos (Chocolate and "Yellow")

Lazy Concept or Brilliant Execution?
It's easy for the doubters to roll their eyes at "Birthday Cake" Oreos.  One can anticipate the criticism: "Oh, they're just regular Oreos with extra stuff and colored sparkles -- Brilliant!"  And, indeed, it doesn't seem like the flavor geniuses at Oreo would have to do much heavy lifting to pull this off. But these two flavors really are different from plain Oreos, and the simplicity is part of their audacity.  Read on, after viewing our festive pic.

Happy Birthday to Us!

They Are What We Thought They Were!
So, no, it's no technological marvel to put cake frosting in between two wafers, but that's precisely the reason Birthday Cake Oreos succeed: they give you the actual thing you're supposed to be tasting.  Frosting is shelf-stable and sold in cans, so it's quite easy to just pipe the stuff in the center of the cookies.  And to be clear, unlike the rather firm and thin creme of the standard Oreo, this really is cake icing that you'll find in between the sheets and lots of it.

Pictured L to R: Regular Oreo, Yellow Birthday Cake, Chocolate Birthday Cake.  Note how the frosting almost runs over the sides.  If you are the kind of person that takes frosting off with your finger, you're in luck

You Have to Be Patient
At our first group tasting, the first bite produced a little spontaneous outrage.  Was this IT? The yellow cookie, belonging to the weaker of the two entries, really was pretty bland, and its strong crunch defied the idea that we were eating any kind of cake.  But if you let the cookie sit in the mouth for a bit, it moistens from your...uh, well, your saliva...and the cookie slowly transforms to something more like cake. Then the icing, no longer blocked by the crunch, reveals itself to be almost precisely like what comes on your average supermarket sheet cake, right down to the strong fake-vanilla flavor that you either love or you don't.  Suddenly, it really is like eating cake.  J.N. concurs, writing "The filling definitely tastes quite a bit like cake frosting, even though the colorful bits in it seem to offer no additional flavors. This is another one where it makes sense they have extra filling since it carries all the flavor of the particular variety."

No thin sheet of creme, this is finger-licking-good icing!

All tasters preferred the chocolate version by a wide margin, and not just because everybody loves chocolate.  Somehow the chocolate waver dissolves into fine particles more readily, unlike the yellow cookie that renders up breadcrumb-like bits.  So the synthesis of cake powder and icing into a cake facsimile happened more readily.

Can it Substitute for Birthday Cake?

I don't know about that. The candles would be a mess. But if you're far from family, have no significant other, and everyone forgets your birthday at the office, a package of these will fit comfortably on your lap as you watch season four of House of Cards, tears streaming gently down your cheek.  Real birthday cake taste won't be the thing that's missing.

Conclusions

Birthday Cake Oreos offer a significantly different and surprisingly authentic taste experience.

Overall taste: 4.5 out of 5 (Chocolate) and 3 out of 5 (Yellow)

Match to taste target: 4.5 out of 5 (Chocolate) and 3.5 out of 5 (Yellow)

Mid-Oreo Week Interlude: Salad For a Light Supper

The Food Kingdom has always advocated a balanced diet, as well as making efficient use of household ingredients.  Last night, I noticed some cocktail tomatoes slowly withering on the counter, then opened the fridge and saw many things that would spoil were they not used soon.  This was the genesis of this lovely salad, which I recommend you try tonight.  Particularly nice was the interplay of three separate textures: crunchy (radish), semi-crunchy (cucumber), and tender (tomatoes).  This fresh, sprightly salad was the first course.  It was followed by Marie Callender's battered fish with broccoli in cheese sauce.  I did NOT have to tell you that.

Mustardy Cucumber, Radish, and Tomato Salad
1/2 English Cucumber
Three radishes, thinly sliced
1/2 medium red onion, thinly sliced
Three small "cocktail" tomatoes (about the size of apricots), cut into sixths
Handful of chopped parsley
1-2 tsp capers
Toss with a lemony dijon vinaigrette (basically 3:1 ratio EVOO to lemon juice, emulsified with sufficient dijon mustard
Finish, to taste, with a good few grinds of fresh black pepper and the barest pinch of salt.

Necessity is the mother of invention.

Oreo Week, Day 3: Pumpkin Spice Oreos

Oh, No, not More Pumpkin Spice!
Yes, I'm afraid so, but this is one of the more appropriate applications of the idea.  This is not pumpkin spice bacon, or pumpkins spice iced tea, or oh I dunno...pumpkin spice underwear.  Here we have the cookie acting as the crust and the "creme" playing the role of the pumpkin pie filling.  We saw on Monday that Oreo could pull off the spice trick, using real cinnamon to illusionistically conjure a shopping mall cinnamon bun.  Why not pumpkin pie.  Before tasting, let's examine the packaging.
But the Portions are So Small!
I know, right? Doesn't that box look awfully small considering they're charging the full amount for this special edition?  How small is this package, compared to the cinnamon roll flavor?

This is, as they say, a suspicious package.

I'm glad you asked!  Let's actually look at the two packages side by side!

Ok, the Pumpkin Spice box is significantly smaller.  Must be all those costly real spices, right?  Oh, my dear fellow...

Ok, fine, but maybe it's got something to do with the way the boxes are shaped.  Has the Food Kingdom done due diligence to show that there is actually less product by weight?  Why yes, yes we have...

The Marked Weight Does Not Lie.  You Get Pumpkin, You Get Less.

Yea, Ok, But How Do They Taste?
Patience! We're almost there, but first let's examine the physical features of our cookie itself.  You'll notice from the side by side photo of a classic Oreo with the Pumpkin Spice that, unlike in the past two days, this time the two cookies have the same amount of creme filling.  This actually makes sense, because with Cinnamon Roll and Red Velvet Cake, the creme was explicitly trying to serve the function, and replicate the taste, of icing or frosting.  Here, the only goal is flavor and we can assume they have packed that pumpkin spice flavor in tightly.  Besides, pumpkin pie filling is itself rather dense and compact, so this is appropriate.  Note too, just how closely the color resembles that have real pumpkin pie filling.  But lest you think there's any real pumpkin, the list of ingredients mentions paprika as the only real spice in the mix, and that is doubtless for its color more than its flavor.

Note the Rich Paprika Color!

Finally, the Taste
The Food Monarch and his associated vassals recognize how disconcerting it must be that Pumpkin Spice Oreos contain no cinnamon, no ginger, no allspice, no cloves, and no pumpkin.  It's enough to make you a little cynical.  But the buttery cookie tastes very much like a classic butter and flour pie crust and those natural and artificial flavors again do their work.  The flavor profile of all the aforementioned spices are clearly present and a big hunk of Thanksgiving feeling has somehow been crammed into a little cookie once more.  On the negative side, perhaps because I know it's all a fabrication, I do sometimes feel like I'm eating a scented candle or wandering through a Hallmark store at Halloween time.  Food vassal J.N. writes "At the beginning of each bite you get a hint of cinnamon and pumpkin flavor reminiscent of pumpkin pie, and it seems like the cookie is going to deliver quite well on its promised flavor. That flavor dissipates and is overtaken by a graham cracker crust like flavor of the cookie. Overall it’s pretty tasty and does have some similarities to pumpkin pie, but a little more spice and flavor could have taken it even further."  

Conclusions
Pumpkin Spice Oreos fulfill their mission well, perhaps too well; perhaps eerily well. The combined consensus score is as follows:
Overall Taste: 3.75 out of 5
Accuracy in Meeting the Target Taste: 3.9 out of 5, with a 1/10th point deducted for uncanniness.

Oreo Week, Day 2: Red Velvet Oreos

Today we're tasting Red Velvet Oreos, and the mood in the Food Kingdom offices prior to the official tasting was skeptical.  Since Red Velvet is a cocoa-based cake, the attitude going in was that the only difference between a Red Velvet and a classic Oreo would be cosmetic, i.e. the color.  "It seems like a gimmick", it was remarked.  But is Red Velvet more than just chocolate stained red?  Let's get some background.
What is Red Velvet Cake and Why is it Red?
Though the cake is associated with World War II shortages and the idea that red dye was added to the cake to make up for a shortage of cocoa, the history is a bit more complicated.  The first recipes go back to the 1800s and the red color came initially, not from a dye, but from a chemical reaction between the buttermilk in the batter and a natural acid in cocoa.  Once alkaline Dutch-cocoa became more commonly used, the red no longer occurred naturally.

The deeper red color that we know today apparently was not present in the original cake and its origins do go back to World War II shortages, not of cocoa but of butter and sugar.  To make up for smaller quantities of those two ingredients, a substitute ingredient was needed that could replace the sweetness of the sugar and the moisture of the butter, and that ingredient was concentrated beet juice.  Though some recipes today still call for beet juice, most now substitute red food dye to create the deep red color.

Though cookie and cake now get their red color from artificial dye, in the antebellum South it was a natural reaction between acid in the cocoa and buttermilk that created a reddish hue.

How Should a Red Velvet Cookie Taste?
The officially recognized flavors in the cakey portion of this dessert are cocoa, buttermilk, and vinegar, so while there should be real chocolate notes, there should also be sweet and sour elements and that ineffable dairy essence.  The Oreo package, rather more proudly than you would expect, announces that these cookies are artificially flavored, so search for neither vinegar nor buttermilk in the ingredient list, though both cocoa and "chocolate" are listed.

As for the creme filling, we expect a cream cheese flavor, whether it be delivered by real cream cheese or the creative use of chemicals.  As with the cinnamon bun Oreos yesterday, there's plenty of that creme on hand, so we'll get to how it all comes together after the picture.

An extra helping of artificial cream cheese filling between two artificially colored and flavored wafers.  What could possibly go wrong?

The Triumph of Modern Science: A Virtual Taste Match
While there was a superficial resemblance between the original Oreo and southern offshoot, this Red Velvet version really did bring something new to the table and the tastebuds.  The bright tangy buttermilk and vinegar notes were there and the fake cream cheese really did wrap its faux-dairy essence around every crumble of cookie.  This cheerful bit of southern comfort makes for a familiar yet exotic alternative to the classic formula.

Overall taste: 4.5 out of 5
Fidelity to the taste target: 4.5 out of 5

UPDATE: Dissenting taster J.N. wished to add that it "only tasted very slightly different from a standard Oreo, with the cookie part and cream both having slight differences.  4 out of 5 for taste and 1 out of 5 for [fidelity to the taste target]"

Oreo Week, Day 1: Cinnamon Bun Oreo

The Quest of a Cookie to Be What it is Not
The idea behind all these new Oreo flavors is to use the Oreo platform to capture and duplicate some of America's favorite tastes, and picking the iced cinnamon roll is an inspired choice for the project. But Nabisco isn't just trying to capture a collection of flavors.  They're trying to trigger fond memories by association.  If the cookie can remind you of the tastes and smells of the Cinnabon at the mall, it will in turn remind you of your childhood, your carefree days wasting quarters in the video arcade, your first date watching Shrek 2, getting your ears pierced, your first kiss outside The Gap.

I Can Almost Smell the Fry-Grease from the Panda Express!

But, needless to say, Oreo's got quite a hill to climb because a hard crunchy cookie is not a cinnamon roll.  It isn't warm, it isn't soft, it isn't gooey, and - the magic of artificial flavors notwithstanding - its hard to imagine how you fit the taste of risen yeast dough into a flat, thin disc.  Let's see how they tackle this challenge.

Special Flavors Always Have More Filling
If you twist apart a regular Oreo and just taste the cookie without any of the stuff, you'll probably notice that it doesn't really taste like much.  There's a bit of a bitter cocoa taste, but all the sweetness in the cookie comes from the "stuff".  The classic Oreo is like the classic Platonic couple that seeks its other half in order to be complete.  So it is with the special flavor editions, only more so, because the "stuff" not only has to supply all the moisture, richness, and sweetness, but it has to deliver a lot of the flavor.  That means more stuff than usual, as you can see from the picture.

More Creamy Filling is Needed to Create the Flavor and Feeling of the Icing.

On Paper, this Shouldn't Work...but it Does!

Ok, we're almost ready to reveal how these things truly taste, but just a bit more background first. Does the ingredient list give us any reason for confidence that this cookie will really taste like a cinnamon roll?  Not particularly.  Cinnamon is a real, listed ingredient for the cookie component, but the filling only mentions, somewhat ominously, "natural and artificial flavor".

Also, who is Mondelez International Group? Interesting story, actually, they're the snack-foods half of Kraft, created when Kraft split into two companies.  Still USA-based, Mondelez is a portmanteau word meaning "World (Monde) Delicious (Delez)

Tasting the thick filling and the crisp cookie separately also doesn't give you much reason for hope. You can taste cinnamon in the cookie, but very faintly, and the filling just tastes like straight-up sugar and fat by itself.  But when you bite into the two together, something special happens: the saltiness in the cookie wakes up the dull sweetness of the filling, swirling with the real cinnamon to create the hoped-for cinnamon-spiked icing.  The crackery nature of the cookie transforms into something dough-flavored if not bread-textured.  Suddenly you're not at your office cubicle anymore; you're gliding down the escalator, hearing the Christmas carols, as that unmistakable cinnamon scent soars up your nostrils.  Not only do you taste the buns warming in the oven, you can almost taste the disinfectant they use to wipe down the counter.  Oreo has not just manufactured a taste, they've revived a memory.

Conclusions

Oreo, from this entry, seems to know what they're doing.  They've chosen a flavor with a few strong identifiable parts that combine to conjure something greater than the whole.  Food Kingdom taster J.N. writes approvingly "It reminded me of a gingerbread cookie, which might just be my amateur palate confusing ginger and cinnamon, or cinnamon being in both types of cookie. But overall I think it was good, if not exactly living up to the billing of a cinnamon roll. To me the best part of the cinnamon roll, besides the warm sponginess of the roll itself, is the gooeyiness of the icing, which this obviously doesn’t have. 4/5 for overall taste, 2/5 for matching a cinnamon roll" 

The official Food Kingdom combined verdict is slightly more generous:

Overall Taste: 4 out of a possible 5

Match to the Target Taste: 3.5 out of a possible 5

Oreo Week Has Begun! Testing is in Progress. Please Check Back at 2:00PM EST

Birthday Cake, Cupcake, Cinnamon Bun, Red Velvet, Pumpkin Spice, Oh My!

The Quesalupa Explained: It's Actually a Taco-ized Stuffed Crust Pizza

The Food Kingdom is coming relatively late to the Quesalupa phenomenon that was unveiled to the nation on the eve of the Super Bowl.  Reaction from many quarters has been been a fairly muted disappointment, with the most common complaint being that the Quesalupa doesn't really taste that much different from the Chalupa, which preceded it.  Some people actually miss that warm fluffy dough inside.

The Food Kingdom roundtable has reached a similar conclusion about the Quesalupa, but I want to go a bit further and explain the reasons behind its shortcomings, organizing the critique around the central paradigm mentioned in this post's title.  It all makes sense when you consider that the Quesalupa is, in many ways, a stuffed-crust Mexican pizza.

What Do I Mean It's a Stuffed-Crust Mexican Pizza?
Consider the major taste elements in the Quesalupa, which you can see in the picture below.  First let's start with the obvious: the stuffed crust itself.  The Quesalupa certainly passes the test of "matching the picture" as far as the gooey stretchy cheese inside the shell.  Unlike the abominably dishonest Nestle 100 Grand (formerly 100,000 Dollar Bar) which promises stretchy caramel that elongates as you pull the bit section away from your mouth but actually breaks off cleanly no matter how delicately you bit into it, the Quesalupa really is filled with warm stretchy cheese and that gets it off to a terrific start.  But just like with a stuffed crust pizza, the cheese and crust don't taste like much all by themselves.  So let's dig beneath the shell and see what else awaits.

A cheesy, melty auspice as we break open the Quesalupa for the first time.

Inside the Shell
Inside the shell are many other things you would indeed find topping a Mexican pizza.  Shredded cheddar?  Check.  Diced tomatoes?  You know it.  Lettuce is a bit of a wildcard, so leave that aside. Seasoned ground beef?  Absolutely.  So you see the thesis is all coming together.  And so the base-model Quesalupa is a perfectly decent hand-held Mexican pizza in ways good and bad.   Just like pizza, it's quite tasty when perfectly fresh and the hot gooey cheese meshes with the tender crisp crust and the fresh interior toppings.  But just like most people don't care for cold pizza, a cold Quesalupa has the same liabilities.  When the gooey cheese settles down to room temperature, the stretchy cheese suddenly becomes brittle.  It no longer fills the four corners of the mouth, but rather breaks off in ruddy, gummy bits.  So all Quesalupas should be eaten fresh, which is to say you should either eat them in the restaurant or only order one, or perhaps two at the most if you eat quickly.  By the time you get to a third, the interior cheese will have hardened and the steam given off by the hot cheese will have migrated by capillary action through the shell transforming it into mere...wet, greasy, bread. Ewww...

Seasoned beef, diced tomatoes, lettuce, sour cream.  Aside from the stuffed crust, it's standard-issue Taco Bell.

But What About the Chicken and Steak Versions?
An interesting irony obtains with the Quesalupa and many other Taco Bell items: the premium ingredients don't always translate to more taste.  In principle, do we prefer steak over ground beef, and real chicken strips over ground chicken?  In isolation, surely we do, but in the case of a multi-ingredient item like a Quesalupa, the answer isn't so simple.  Remember that steak and chicken strips are lost in a melange of many other components; not just the tomatoes and lettuce (which can water down flavors), not just sour cream and cheese (which can soak up and obscure flavors) but the spongy bread and cheese of the shell itself.  Those steak juices?  They've soaked into the pores of the bread.  The sizzling oils and browned tastes?  They've blended with the white cheese into relative anonymity.

This lonely steak is going to need some help

 So the tastes endemic to the meats aren't going to be making a very strong statement.  The flavors are going to have to come from the sauce.  Remember once again the pizza analogy.  How would a pizza with no sauce taste?  Pretty bland.  In the case of the seasoned beef chalupa, the meat comes with its own sauce.  But the chicken and steak ones need the hot sauce.  With their help, a fresh Quesalupa can be a richly satisfying and bold experience.

Taco Bell Fire Sauce Brings it to Life!

This is the Third Chalupa. Notice How the Cooled Cheese Has Stiffened the Shell

Conclusions
The Food Kingdom has a lot of work to do before the Quesalupa retires from the menu, at least temporarily, in 12 weeks.  There is also a shredded chicken version which we haven't yet tried. But more importantly, the Quesalupa is customizable with all of the add-ons you see below.  We suspect that bringing more crunch and more heat, with pico and jalapenos, or onions and chipotle, or perhaps some more salty, earthy notes with bacon and black beans, could make the Quesalupa a lot more interesting.  If all that white cheese doesn't get in the way....

What's REALLY inside a Hot Pocket? (You know want to know)

Within the Food Kingdom exists a product that is a fiefdom unto itself.  It is so popular that it has a section all its own in the grocer's freezer case.  It's alluring packaging promises a heaven of warm bread, gooey cheese, rich sauce, savory meats, and tempting vegetables.  Frozen junk though it may be, whom amongst us hasn't been tempted to try the Hot Pocket in all its infinite varieties, with new additions to the line seemingly added every week: pizza, cheesesteaks, buffalo chicken, cheeseburgers, tacos, and on and on.

The Hot Pocket package promises a veritable feast within!

Does the Pocket Fulfill Its Promise?
Yes the Hot Pocket always seems to promise more than it actually delivers, and perhaps that's why, as much as we return to it, it always vaguely falls short of its potential.  Today we answer the question of how accurate the picture on the package is, and our conclusions are mixed.

To some degree, the picture on the package isn't really a lie, and here's why?  While each bite into a hot pocket seems to leave us wondering where all the filling went, it actually is possible to reproduce the results we see on the package IF we treat the breading container like a tube of toothpaste, placing our thumbs on the scale, so to speak, and pressing down firmly on one end of the pocket.  This pushes all the filling to the open side.  Why look!  We have somewhat made the promise of the package come true!

Yes indeed!  Our pocket is bursting at the seams! (seems?)

Performing a Little Hot Pocket Surgery

But let's go a little deeper and see what we find. If we butterfly-cut the our Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pocket and look inside, let's see what we get.  At first glance the results are remarkably generous.  We see cheese, red and green peppers, and what appears to be an adequate amount of steak.  But let's really analyze the contents.  The steak seems to cover a wide area but it is actually paper-thin. Now examine all the gaps between each steak fragment and add it all together mentally.  What we actually have here is a single deli-thin slice of roast beef that has been separated into shreds and dispersed such that it seems to cover a wide area, but in fact its a deli-slice that, if reunified into a single piece, would not even cover the surface area of the pocket.  This explains the mismatch between what your eyes see and what your mouth tastes.

Paltriness or adequacy from our naked Hot Pocket?  Tis all in the eye of the beholder.

Conclusions
It would seem that our investigation has exposed the Hot Pocket as a minor piece of fraud, but let's consider the value proposition a little more closely.  This is after all a mere snack item, something you enjoy when you really only want a nosh, something less than a meal but on the filling end of a mere snack.  The Hot Pocket fulfills the mission of tiding our hunger for something warm and savory reasonably well.  Let's also remember the average $2.50 price point for two Hot Pockets and ask if we really have a right to expect more than that for the price.  If the manufacturers were really able to supply more beef than we see here at that cost, one would wonder at how bovine the origins of the material was, and have concern for the animal welfare practices of a manufacturer that could deliver that much animal product so cheaply.  So in sum, the Hot Pocket does deliver as much tastiness and belly-filling capacity as we have any right to expect for the hit to the pocketbook.  Score one for Nestle, I guess.  Rock on, Hot Pocket.

The Magic of the Cooking of Humans: An Office Bake-Off Memoir

The realm over which the monarch of the Food Kingdom presides is notional merely, and hence he labors during the day at undisclosed office location.  The office recently held its 10th annual employee bake-off, a tooth-and-belly-ache-inducing affair to be sure, but only because the entry's high quality is reliably uniform and a judge always wants to consume more than is wise.

This was an excellent year, even by the event's usual high standards, enough so that it's worth posting comments and pictures of the entries here on the blog, even though this writer is aware of the danger of mission creep infecting this industrial-food-oriented blog.  Without further ado, then:

Best Overall: Peanut Butter Pie
This is not the first peanut butter pie ever to be baked, but it may well be the best, blending fresh whipped cream top layer with an intense peanut butter cream underlayer, the latter enriching the former and the former lightening the latter.  Inasmuch as every peanut butter flavor yearns for a counterpart in chocolate, this pie brought the house with big chocolate chunks that led with a crunchy impact, then melded with the other elements as it melted.  The only ding on this was the store-bought graham cracker crunch, more sandy and particulate than buttery and coherent as a graham-cracker crust should be.

How high can the peanut fluff go?  If you don't dig in, you will never know.

Best Taste: Marble Brownies

The entry, though well executed, didn't have the looks to promise great things, but under the hood was a pleasingly mild cocoa base lightened with a intriguing sweet-sour dairy/cream cheese note. It may not have been anything fancy, but people couldn't stop eating them and when the calls for taste scores was made, it was 9s all around.

Marble Brownies: Nobody could eat just one, stomachaches be damned

Best Appearance: Carrot Cake
It's a commonplace to signify a carrot cake's identity with a goofy cartoon carrot made of frosting or marzipan.  These self-contained cakes announced themselves with a whimsical carrot curlicue that delighted the judges and built anticipation as to the taste.  Though no slouch in the taste department, it is possible that the presentation may have slightly undermined the cake's palatability.  While every element: cake, flaked coconut, cream cheese frosting, a ground nut border, was well executed, this was a dense array of accoutrements that surrounded a relatively small area of actual cake, so some bites were a little out of balance, with the outside elements dominating the inside.

Utterly charming little carrot cakes.

Honorable Mention: Tropical Rum Cake Trifle

The intrepid contestant that would enter a trifle into a bake-off in which appearance factors into the score tempts fate because it is almost axiomatic that trifles degenerate into wretched oozing slurries of miscellaneous fruit and cake fragments.  The entrant of this trifle defied this fate with winsome creativity. Each judge was presented with their own little jam jar full of trifle, the lateral support from the glass walls ensuring that every spoonful had a little custard, a little cake, a little fruit.  Perfectly balanced, the trifle had a discrete adult taste thanks to just the right amount of rum.

Apologies for the poor angle, but are they not obviously adorable?

Swedish Rolls

The new IT guy of Nordic descent brought a traditional and skill-intensive entry to the mix with these spiral-shaped rolls.  A mature offering, not too sweet but definitely not savory, I contemplated with fondness the prospect of enjoying one with a cup of chamomile tea.  Even after a day they were quite good, and one imagines they were even better a mere couple hours removed from the oven.

Not a lingonberry not any gravlax in sight!

Oreo Bars

Imagine everything you love about Rice Krispies Treats: the lightness combined with richness, the chewy marshmallow binding, and now turbocharge it by transplanting oreo fragments where the crisped rice would normally be.  You get a rich but not filling new favorite snacking delicacy.  Had there been a way to aesthetically ornament this, it would surely have been in contention for a prize.

The Oreo apocalypse never tasted so good.

Fudgy Chocolate Brownies

Okay, so no points for originality, but this was still a classic rendered with no false notes.  Creamy rather than glutenously chewy there were strong elements of butter, cocoa, and vanilla.  Nobody whines about having to eat a good brownie.

You could put this next to the definition of brownie in the dictionary.

Toasted Coconut Cream Pie

For as rich and creamy as it was, the pie held its shape well and its crust stayed crisp, crunchy, and buttery.  Delivering everything it promised, this pie got strong marks for taste, including at least one 9 score.  Some judges marked it down for a flavor of almond extract that was a little big strong, and a texture that was more creamy than fluffy.  But the rich custardy filling had judges coming back for second helpings after the judging was over.

If you wanted coconut taste, you were in luck.

The Bottom Line

This year corporations will spend millions for their food technicians and scientists to create exciting and addictive flavors that can be churned out of an assembly line to a waiting queue of hungry motorists and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  But all creativity is human creativity and it resides in all of us.  Technology fascinates but human cooks rock.  Here's to another 10 years of the office bake-off.

Idiocy in Labeling: An Ongoing Series

Here at the Food Kingdom, we love us some Trader Joe's, but: how is it possible for fruit to be dried and juicy at the same time? This is synesthesia taken to disturbing new heights.

Juicy AND Dry?  I don't want to know how that's possible

Just in time for Valentine's' Day: Dunkin's Cookie Dough Donut

If, at a more innocent time in the not-so-distant  past, you had proposed that a doughnut -- wrapped around an uncooked cookie and formed into the shape of a heart – would be considered an idea vehicle for the expression of affection, you might well have attracted some quizzical looks.

And yet, this Valentine’s Day, Dunkin has released two special donuts to commemorate the holday: Brownie Batter (uncooked pastries appear to be a theme, suggesting I’m not sure what) and Cookie Dough, reviewed here.

Dark chocolate makes for a promising beginning!

The donut base is the standard-issue Dunkin donut: a neutral vessel with very little sweetness and appealing note of yeasty sourness.  The first bites are promising, for in addition to the cookie dough filling, the donut is generously coated with dark chocolate icing and dark chocolate chips that impart a sophisticated and sensual richness.   Your chocolate-loving valentine would be will pleased by this.

The trouble begins as one nears the center and begins to experience the “cookie dough” filling.  The filling isn’t really dough, but more of an unctuous dough-flavored syrupy goop.  It could be no other way, for any filling has to be piped into the donuts interior, after baking, necessitating a thinness and fluidity that could not be achieved by actual dough.

Ick. Cookie dough ooze.

Dunkin has attempted to nonetheless approximate the texture of cookie dough by including granules of undissolved sugar into the goo.  I wondered, as I tasted this, how they kept the sugar granules in suspension such that they wouldn’t dissolve in the liquid mixture.   My best guess is that the filling is so super-saturated with sugar that no additional particle can dissolve into solution, and indeed  the sweetness is so overwhelming that this possibility seems plausible.  What the result cannot be, to me, is anything approaching palatable.  The tan ooze permeates every corner of the mouth as it converges on the center of the donut, flooding the zone with strong notes of artificial butter and brown sugar.

One wants to give Dunkin some points here for ambition and creativity but to me it’s all too much.  The heart-shaped cookie dough donut is a misconceived embarrassment.  At press time, the "brownie batter" donut was not available at my local Dunkin location, but a review shall be forthcoming at such time as it may be purchased, certainly in time for aspiring romantics to make informed Valentine's Day decisions.

- Full disclosure: Another taster present at Food Kingdom studios at the time of testing found that this concoction really hit the spot, though she allowed that the major influencer might have been her substantial breakfast time hunger.